Thursday, December 28, 2006

Saint Isabella - or she should be.

Mrs Beetons' ideas and ideals should be taught in schools as a mandatory subject for young women.

For some reason I usually, (just about always), get a negative reaction from women that I enlighten on the subject - fucked if I can work them out.

So here is a comprehensive list of things that every woman should do in the new year;
  • Get a copy of the book ,( )
  • Study it, (as the muslims do the Koran)
  • Do as it says
  • That's it.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

twas the night before christmas and all through the house
the racket came booming- but not from the mouse

but the neighbors who do roar and make merry
and the santa fire truck who lays on the horn heavy
Now shut up you cunts it's time for bed
shut the fuck up or I'll kick in ya head

And as for old santa, the fat poxy slob
I hope that ya choke on Rudolfs red knob
if ya get on my roof I'll give ya a thump
if youse come back again I'll be eating fresh rump

but what of the mouse so silent and still
of young talon time
he had eaten his fill
the cute little beast gave a slight little jump
fuck off and die you flea ridden cunt

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Some folks I know went to see U2 over in Melbourne. (Why the fuck anyone would want to see that pack of cunts and fucken bono is beyond me - and in fucken Melbourne too - cunt of a place).
Anyway, the crowd is going wild - arms waving, reaching a fever pitch as the main man appears - also waving his arms, and reaching fever pitch - "It's so great to be here in Sydney - what a great Sydney crowd, I always remember Sydney" - the crowd goes - hmmmmmm, what a cockhead.

So here we are at poxy Christmas again, with the corporate plastic shit manufacturers trying to put people onto some sort of guilt trip to buy their crap. Fuck that - tell the kids that Santa died in a sled prang and there is no more pressies, ever. Harden the fuck up!

To friendly folks that have posted comments - have a good one if ya want - drinking heaps of piss is a good way to spend the day and would probably go well with a reindeer on a spit.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Some more of our charming wildlife - the 'Marshfly' (fucken poxy green eyed cunt - local endearment) and a sargeant ant (yaaarrgh -fucken poxy bitey ant cunt, tourist endearment only - as locals can avoid them).
The green eyed cunts hunt in packs, and are solely here to torment people. Woe betide anyone silly enough to splat one. as when they get flattened they exude a scent that, like meat ants, attracts the rest of them. Funny if they are hassling someone else ( I always encourage people to splat the cunts and become the unwitting target ), fucking miserable if you are the target. Their life cyle revolves around the redgum blossom - how I do not know yet. I do know that as the blossom appears so do they - and they go when it does.
The sargeant ant defends its nest readily. The one in the flick is fucking a praying mantis it had the hots for. They are sort of a wasp decendant that has lost the wings - yes the sting is in the tail. If you get cut open they can be used as bush stiches - hold wound closed and get the ant to bite (with the jaw not the sting end) on either side of the wound - then snap the head off. It suffices until an alternative can be sourced. I would also put redgum on it as an antiseptic - redgum is good for lots of things - maybe a future post :)

Friday, December 08, 2006

The dog.

He's lived with me since he was born, Never worn a collar, ( Had to put a fucken lead on him once at the vets (rules) - should have seen the look he give me - (I took it off again. )
We can 'talk' through eye contact (only one for him now) and hand signals. He can stalk a pig, from five foot behind -as it's going along - or attack things on a signal - or his own will - I trust his judgement. He has been fighting another dog and I have told him to stop and he will - and just stand there and let the other dog bite and carry on till its owner gets it off...if they don't get in there quick though I turn him back on again and he bashes them.

His mother, had an interesting name - So there I am and have to take her to the vet at one time, "whats her name" says the snotty sheila behind the counter - "You don't want to know" says me - there's about twenty people in the small waiting room.
"But we really must have her name for our records and the immunisation card..." Fuck it then here ya go- "Cunty ; C - U - N - T -Y ; Cunty" You could've heard a fucking pin drop. The sheila goes bright red and quickly fills out the paperwork. Her immunisation card had cunty as the name. hahahaha, fucken pushy mole.

His great grandfather was 'hector the junk yard dog' - he had real devil dog eyes and was renowned for being a fierce cunt. Hector was not a fan of the local idigenous population, which was all well and good, as they stayed well clear of him. Not quite clear enough for Hector though, and he took to hunting them in the surrounding streets. Eventually, after one epic episode that culmunated with half a dozen of them bailed up and bleeding for an hour or so till they were rescued, they all whinged to the ranger. Hector ended up on death row and was shot at dawn.

His grandfather - Bomber - used to have some adventures as well. I was walking around a dam once looking for pig tracks and floating in the water is a huge fucken boomer. Dead as a maggot.
On the bank, about six feet away, are his nuts. The tracks told the story...when a roo has a dog after it they will often head for a dam, jump in, grab the dog and drown it - that is what this fella had tried. On his last leap before the water, and successful inplementation of his plan, it all turned to shit as his nuts were ripped off by bombers teeth. End of story for the boomer.

So the old dog has a colourful family history and has had many of his own adventures and fights. I had to get his nuts cut out a year or so back as he was rooting the local bitches (that's ok) - bashing the other local dogs (that's ok - they all enjoy it)- and growling at and sometimes biting the other dog owners - in their own yards (not so ok).

The poor old cunt has more of a sneer than a 'smile' now. He still commands respect though - not too many can approach him on his turf. He still enjoys giving people a nip to get a reaction and if people show him any fear he will make their life a misery every time he sees them. The funny little fucker has a warped sense of humour!! (I like it).

Thursday, December 07, 2006

How to get a snake really pissed off.
These flicks came, apparently, from somewhere near Nyngan (NSW). The snake was getting constant zaps from an electric fence - till the folks that cut the fence got it out - poor cunt.

Fuck that, I got zapped a couple of times by a good fence and I would not like to be stuck in one. I'd get a bit snakey too.

( The farmer was spewing 'cos his fence got cut and it had been eating his lambs - he'd have rathered it dead. Sigh)

Monday, December 04, 2006

A few years ago, in my search for fish and good spots to catch them from with no-one else around, I found myself on a small rock groin. There are a few of these that are scattered every few hundred meters along the coast at this location -(they trap the sand so it 'stays' in one place).
I'd been there an hour or so, back to the wind, happily fishing away -(not catching anything, that's ok though - a catch is just a bonus) and minding my own fucking business.
Along comes a surfie - who proceeds to ask me to fish somewhere else as he wanted to surf where I was fishing. Being the caring sharing type that I am, when I finished laughing, I politely said for him to stick his surfboard up his arse and fuck off.
Rather unwisely, I felt, he decided to surf where I was fishing anyway. The set up that I was using that day was a ten foot beach rod, fifty pound line with a trace and a set of triple gang hooks with a treble behind them. I mentioned to the cunt that it was his look out and if he got caught - so be it.
Well it took a few casts, but eventually, my hooks ended up in a head full of dreadlocks about fifty meters out. As a keen fisherman I have caught heaps of differant species, they all put up a differant sort of fight. I'd never caught a surfie before.
I set the drag and commenced the fight, sort of like catching a stingray or a big clump of weed, that yells.
Pump and wind, pump and wind - its getting closer and louder - attached to it is a surfboard, sort of like a ramora on a shark.
The surfie got a bit of help from a wave and gained a few meters, luckily the fifty pound line held. And about ten minutes later it was nearly at the rocks at my feet. Then, as sometimes happens, it gave a flick of the head and got off. Spew. The first one i'd hooked and it's gotten away - oh well saves gutting it and all.
Interestingly, the surfie didn't want to play anymore and seemed a bit pissed off for some reason - and off it went towards the carpark - where my old landcruiser is the only car there.
I was not worried.
When I finished fishing - didn't get anything else - I goes back to the ute, and can see by the tracks that the surfie had approached the ute, closely - hmmm, maybe he had evil intentions - bad move - that is where the dog stays.
The dog is a bit more, ( actually rather a lot more), anti social than I am and takes exception to folks going near "his" ute, the tracks showed that the surfie had met the dog and decided to do the bolt rather quickly - well at a run if truth be told. The dog sat smiling at me through the scars on his snout, he'd had a fun day as well. Ripped the top off a beer and fucked off back to the bush and whatever new adventures awaited us.
I think I'll go fishing today.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Notechis Scutatus or the Tiger Snake. Now here is a pretty snake. (Unfortunately the photo is not mine, I have taken close up photos of these but they are not in digital format as yet.)
Commonly thought of as an aggressive snake and certainly venemous, they can grow to about 1.8 meters. If you get bitten you may be in a world of shit and possibly terminally fucked.
I used to be involved in teaching outdoor education activities and during a river trip had a memorable close encounter with a Tiger Snake.
Imagine, if you will, a summer river with 6 canadian canoes heading down stream - all filled with excited 13 year olds - who, after ten minutes or so practical experience, are not very good at driving them yet, and a lone kayak with yours truly on board.
The river narrows to about 15 foot wide, there are a few logs that span the river to negotiate, then a sandbar that runs paralel to the flow for about five foot. The river then opens into a large pool about fifty meters across and fairly long. All the banks are heavily vegetated.
At the very moment that the first two of the canoes were passing the last log, adjacent to and ending on the sand bar - out comes about seven foot of Notechis Scutatus - who has been having a bit of a snooze, and decides to go for a swim.
Luckily I was in a position to get in between the Tiger and the kids. The Tiger went into the water and across to the closest bank and got out, whew. Then did a u-turn and came back in.
(They are completely at home in the water and will actively hunt while swimming - sometimes they will float like a stick - with their head up a bit - look out any little bird wanting a perch.)
Anyway, back it came , into the water -there was no way I was letting the fairly calm snake get amongst the novice explorers in the canoes, could you imagine the scene, I could. Absolute fucken bedlam- agitated snake- screams- paddle whacks at the snake - overturned canoes- really pissed off snake amongst the punters. No thanks.
So I positioned myself and shepherded it across the river by paddling beside and slightly to the rear of it. If I had reached out with my right hand I could have easily grasped it around the midsection -(I had about an inch of freeboard in the kayak).
I wish that I had a camera with me. The snake in the image does not do justice to the magnificent creature that I paddled beside for fifty meters. The body would have been at least two inchs thick and about seven foot long, jet black and covered with vivid bright orangy/yellow bands. I did not feel threatened by it and it, I feel, did not feel threatened by me.
The next day I went back and found its nesting space in some rocks and got some close up photos ( 2 foot or so), again there was no sense of threat.
I don't mind snakes, leave them alone and they will do the same with you. Mostly they will disappear as you approach.
Death adders don't run away though- but that is a different story.