Saturday, March 15, 2008













I'm a bit of a martial arts fan, and have fucked around with various styles over the years, so when the opportunity to go and see the Shaolin monks doing their shit in the big smoke came up a couple of years ago, I had to go and have a squiz at 'em.

Should be an interesting night.

So...

A mate of mine is interested as well, so his missus scores us fucken beaut seats. Dead center and about ten rows back, just above a walkway, so we're elevated above the rows in front. Fucken ripper.

Now me an' me mate, we get dressed up in the going to town black jeans, flanno's and ripple sole black DB's. (Sort of like usual, but newer, and with out the ripped bits). Funnily enough, we don't seem to fit comfortably with city folks in town for some reason, none of the cunts say gooday or even look at ya. Fucken rude cunts. I think that they just don't feel comfortable around 6ft+ blokes with beards and tatts. Fuck knows.

My mate monster has a different personalty to mine. Whereas I tend to be a thinker and mostly speak little to cunts I don't know, apart from gooday, or telling them to go fuck themselves that is. Monster is, as well as being a top bloke, there to speak his mind or laugh loudly if he sees something funny and sometimes can come out with the most wonderful and very public comments when in town...

(those are a story unto their own)...

So there we are...

At the big event. The stage is set, huge gongs and draped red ribbons, vats of incense waft copious amounts of smoke, and, to make sure no cunt has tried to gaff our seats, we are there watching the stadium fill up.

the lights dim.... every one goes quiet...the moment is at hand...

and slowly... one, then two, then.... after a pause, a third....

orange clad monk files out into the mist of the incense clouds amongst the forest of red silk banners, to the sound of the slowly booming gongs, bringing back memories whose reality was only missing the little 'cling/cling' bells, tambourines, and conga line moves of the Hari Krishna's from a few years back ...

Only two of the fuckers at first, then a third, older than the others, who treat him with deference.

And one of them hands him, as he slowly meditates through the mist, past his subordinate colleague. A tyre lever. At least that's what it looks like from our good vantage point.

The old boy grasps it firmly at the lower end in both hands...

The gongs boom as one....

He slowly moves forward, lifting the tyre lever slowly towards the middle of his forehead, incense swirls around him, the pungent smell fills the auditorium...

The gongs boom as one....

He stops, and faces the audience squarely....

The gongs boom as one.... the incense wafts in plumes...

He takes a braced stance, complete harmony and peace with his internal energy written all over him, and slowly raises the tyre lever to his forehead again...

The gongs boom as one....

And he smacks himself really fucken hard in the middle of his head with the tyre lever, looks a bit shocked and gives a little stagger, as you would I'd imagine, and dead silence...

Except for Monster...


Laughing his fucken ring out...

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA DID YASEE THAT FUCKEN SILLY CUNT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Which got me snorting a bit as well, as the monk and the audience seemed, well, a bit out of their comfort zones...

anyway...

The gongs boom as one, again....

And, again, he smacks himself in the middle of his head with the tyre lever, looks a bit shocked and gives a little stagger, as you would I'd imagine, and dead silence...

Except for Monster...


Laughing his fucken ring out, but louder...

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA DID YASEE THAT FUCKEN SILLY CUNT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" "FUCKEN SMACKED HIMSELF IN THE HEAD AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHA _ WOT A FUCKEN DICKHEAD!! HAHAHAHAHAHA >> HAHAHAHAHAAAHAHA"

and dead fucken silence...

from everyone else, monks ... audience...

'cept for me cackling along. It was funny as fuck!! The fucken look on the faces of the old cunt and the audience were fucken priceless.

To his credit, the old boy ended up smacking it on his head and breaking it.. but he did seemed a bit miffed for the rest of the show- so did the rest of his crew.

the rest of the night was a top laugh as well, I'd class them as more acrobats than martial artists, but I 'spose it's only a show and we had a good fucken giggle throughout it.

As we were leaving, some dickhead in front of us goes cunt up down the stairs 'cos he wasn't looking where he was going.

Goes monster..."he said not to fucken try this at home you fuck wit, are your fucken ears painted on?" ...

and we stepped over the cunt and went back to the bush.




maybe one day I'll relate our trip to the Monet exhibition....

13 Comments:

Blogger travistee said...

Racky, you are a damn fine writer. Excellent piece....

2:45 PM  
Blogger fingers said...

I loved the Monet martial arts exhibition. One guy broke 220 paintings over his head before they carried him off the stage on a stretcher...

10:41 PM  
Blogger Arcturus said...

Tell me more about this top bloke of yours.

Seriously, though, I'm guessing deep down you didn't like his laughing like that, you thought it inappropriate. Of course, hitting yourself in the head with a tire iron (tyre lever) is pretty stupid, even if it is some ancient and inscrutable thing from the Orient.

8:30 PM  
Blogger rackorf said...

Glad ya liked it little thingy.

Fingers - you must have been at the same Monet exhibition we attended...

Arc - he has a red beard. The first time I met the guy, (in a pub - many years ago), he was sitting alone, laughing his fucking head off, pissed as a cunt and generally and loudly being a cunt to everyone else in the pub - they were all looking uncomfortable and he had a clear space of about ten feet around him.

I thought to myself, self lets go and have a drink with this cunt. And did. Having had a fair bit of practice at being a cunt myself, we were soon having a fat time hanging shit on cunts that needed it, pissing on the bar, abusing the attitude fucked staff, you know - the usual shit that happens when a fella gets out and about with a like minded soul.

So... I thought it was entirely appropriate and funny as fuck, and, having been out in public with Monster on many previous occasions had a fair idea of what was likely to occur if the situation arose - and they usually do. As for the rest of the cunts that didn't think it was funny - fuckem - they can eat shit and die for all I care.

12:24 AM  
Blogger Arcturus said...

Translation: We shared a quiet drink at a table hidden in a corner near a little rain-slicked window on a showery Sydney night, the soft city smeared into a whirls of electric neon light, the tops of the skyscrapers touching the watery, opaque overcast, and we had sophisticated conversation.

You're not foolin' me. But just so I'm clear on one thing, when you say "pissing on the bar," that doesn't actually mean peeing, yes?

5:11 PM  
Anonymous handmaiden said...

People like your friend repel & attract me at the same time. I always feel a bit nervous around someone that loud & unpredictable but, on the other hand their honesty is usually refreshing. (& it's fun to watch the hoitty toitty squirm)

6:53 PM  
Blogger rackorf said...

Arc, um yes, pissing on the bar - only the front of it though - not the top, that would be a bit gross don't you think?

Hey hairy - I like direct folks and ya got the "fun to watch em squirm" bit right!!

1:10 AM  
Blogger travistee said...

Pardon Arc, us Americans are always having to wonder what it is you all are really saying. I wondered about the pissing on the bar thing too..

7:09 PM  
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9:43 PM  
Blogger travistee said...

Are you EVER coming back???

8:10 PM  
Blogger Regulus said...

Here's my new and improved identity, Rackorf, for when you return from the bush country.

9:54 PM  
Blogger electro-kevin said...

Fuck. Keyboard covered in coffee.

Great story.

Brother worked with retards and took a group to Christmas panto. (These were adult retards by the way) The audience is full of kids and parents.

Buttons is being followed by a guy dressed as a ghost and the audience is shouting "It's behind yoooou !" Buttons pretends not to see it and leads the audience on. Then Buttons DOES eventually see the ghost and says to the audience "Why didn't you tell meeee ?"

The retard with my brother gets to his feet and yells, "But we DID fuckin' tell ya !"

5:24 PM  
Blogger rackorf said...

G'day ek - so what did fucken buttons do?

4:55 AM  

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