Sunday, September 30, 2007

G'day Lizzy,

hope that you had a fucken winner of a day. "Happy birthday to you" and all that shit an' hope that you get heaps of cool pressies. Hope that ya trimmed ya minge so that ya can get ya birthday head orf the old boy.

Me an me mates enjoy seeing your holiday flicks on the news and are sorry to see that things aren't what they used to be what with the fucking colonies and corgis and all. We're still waiting on the invite to the garden bash - must of got lost in the post or something - mind you the posties dog is a real fucken cunt for chewing mail so maybe he got it.

But, the crux of the matter is, I'm getting a bit worried, and so are heaps of other citizens of our fair country...

you are getting on a bit, and I am not completely assured that your benevolent gesture in granting us, your hardworking minions, a long weekend to get on this piss in your honor will be endorsed in the sad case of your passing, or indeed in the case of our great Nation becoming a Republic.

Therefore, as a locally elected spokesman on behalf of the concerned citizens of Oz, we reckon that you, Lizzie, and a few gumbiment type cunts, should get ya fucken shit together and sort it out. If possible, (and you know it is- yer the fucking Queen for fucks sake) , make the weekend a joint Republic and Lizzie B/Day weekend.

Please let us know if you object, in the mean time, if we all take a five day weekend to get over the hangovers we incurred whilst celebrating ya birthday.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Having a hard day....?

No money...?

No food...?

Life sucks...?

What are you going to do about it...?

Here's a few tips...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

It seems that our elected leaders are discussing issues of great national importance. Such as...

The amount of fat cunts that we have here, depleting our resources, like a rampaging army of "jabba the hutts".

And what to do about it.

This is all well and good, as otherwise, they eventually will obviously pacman us all out of existence.

But really, let's give them money to attend weight loss classes? What brain dead cunt thought of that one. (Some fat lolly gobbling, junk food gorging, soft drink sculling cunt I'd reckon.)

For fucks sake. All the fat cunts will do is waddle, if they are capable, or drive in their gopher if not, to the nearest maccas, pizza hut, donut shop, cake stall or mister whippy and buy loads of shit to fucken make them fatter cunts.

The thing to do would be round them up and assess them with the "fat police" - those that don't make the BMI grade get put in the appropriate size cage for their BMI and fed a diet of bread and water until they fulfill the ideal design criteria selection process.

Each cage will be designed with bar spacings so that when the BMI is reached, the ex-fat cunt can slip through the bars and emerge, sort of like a butterfly, as a metamorphosed new form of their old fat self - that can spend the rest of it's life working productively for the gumbiment.

Fat cunts that refuse to comply stay put for a maximum of six months then are recycled into landfill so that they may produce as gas energy cells in the future, or are used for other productive purposes - rather than sloth around consuming shit all day.

Too fucken easy, and creates a heap of benefits, such as employment (maybe not in maccas et al though), and renewable energy sources.

Other options for the training and use of fat cunts could include;
  • ship ballast
  • coal supplement in power stations
  • ground up and sent to Ethiopia, (or whatever fucked up, mineral rich, African country is flavor of the month), for use as as fertilizers, food or fuel. They could send diamonds, or whatever, in return - as now being fitter and better fed - they are therefore able to work longer and harder in mines as well
  • tackle training props, (ergonomically friendly), for rugby and footy teams to practice with
  • anchoring in the lagoons and river pools of the far north as a "decoy tourist" so the real (cashflow) ones don't get eaten by crocs before they spend their bucks, duestchmarcs or whatever
  • security bollards for APEC - a few of these cunts wouldn't be moved by the chaser real quick
  • practice beached whales techniques for the greenies
  • practice flensing techniques for the jap whalesterers
  • skinned, filled with water, and used as double size specialty water beds
  • skinned, filled with water, and used as water transport - drop units - onto fires or drought affected areas by chopper (watch this space for more chopper soon;)
  • used in place of synthetic mains pipe pigs
  • used as substitute trotting horses to train the drivers of the "grab em by the neck doovey" they use behind a ute to exercise them - without potentially damaging a racehorse - bonus!!
  • indoctrinated and used as anti suicide bombers or bombs - they rush en mass and group hug the bomber or stack onto the bomb - thus negating the blast

Anyone, out there in touchy, feely, blog-land have any other uses or solutions that might be considered for the fat cunts destroying our golden, girt by sea, land?


Friday, September 07, 2007

Here you go. Cougar tracks!!

The shot with the pen in it was in pretty hard ground - I'd estimate the weight of the creature that made these tracks to be between 70 - 85 kg. It has a "wheelbase" of about 1.2 meters.
And, as can be seen in the other photo, it has no claws at the end of the toes - as a dog would have.

One day I'll get a photo of the cunt. Or maybe a photo of its taxidermed hide, head and paws on my loungeroom wall.